The World's Longest Short

Last Wednesday I awoke and went into the bathroom.  I realize this doesn’t sound very exciting, and isn’t up to my usual riveting standards, but let me assure you things will get better soon. Anyway, I was in the bathroom and flipped the light switch. However, flipping the switch yielded no light. Now there are four bulbs in my bathroom and logic dictated that they all didn’t blow out at the same time. Then again let’s face it, when has logic had anything to do with reality? I went to the closet retrieved a bulb and replaced one of them. Trying the switch again obtained the same results so I looked further into the problem.

I went to the basement, moved several random items that were in the way of the electrical box, and opened it up. In an Ah-Ha moment worthy of a great scientist I noticed one of the circuit-breakers was popped. Intuitively and with great effort I reached into the box and reset the breaker. That’s when the real excitement started.

I heard my wife scream, and then with a small flash inside the box the breaker popped again. Well I ignored the small flash and ran to my wife. She was on the floor of the bathroom holding her hand. The switch was on fire. Isn’t this the promised excitement you’re all used to? It wasn’t that big of a fire, not much more than a candle. But talking about the fire sounded great didn’t it.  Well I hit it with a wet towel and saw to my wife.  She was Ok, just a little scared so I got dressed and moved to the bigger issue; How to replace an electrical switch.

I went to the most trusted source of information I know, Youtube.com. The video was a good-looking brunette, named Suzy, wearing a tight shirt, Daisey-dukes, and a tool belt. She made the job look so easy, two screws to get the switch out two more two to change the wires. Her video took less than two minutes including the ending shot of Suzy smiling and telling everyone to watch all her other home-repair videos. Well, I had a screwdriver and was inspired by the directions, so I ran to the hardware store to purchase a switch.

On the way there, I saw a billboard advertising a contractor with a picture a lady named Meghan; Minor Electrical Repairs ninety-five dollars. “Ha Ha,” I laughed. I had Youtube Suzy, no roadside advertisement was going to take all of my hard-earned cash.

I went in to the store confidently and walked up to a wall of switches. That’s when the bubble burst. There were a hundred different kinds of switches. Suzy never told me about that. I thought hard. Which is actually very difficult standing in a hardware store with a loudspeaker blaring, “Customer needs assistance in Appliances,” every fifteen seconds. Then suddenly a ray of sunshine came through the stores skylight and rested on one switch. I examined the illuminated switch and lo, it looked just liked the one Suzy had changed. It was a sign from above. I took that switch to the counter and paid.

On the way home I saw another sign. This was for a personal injury lawyer. I had a brilliant realization. The world wanted me to suffer. That layer wanted me to have an accident, maybe even go to the hospital, obtain inferior treatment and possibly even receive the the wrong flavor of Gatorade, Then I would pay him to ease my suffering. The electrician lady from the first sign wanted my house to fall apart so I would pay her to fix it. Everywhere, people wanted me to have problems so I could hand them my hard-earned money. Only Suzy wanted to help me. Her videos were free. It was me and Suzy against the world just like those great love stories you see in the movies.

I could see it in my mind, chaos all around, the sounds of people screaming in the background. I would be standing in the rubble holding a screwdriver. Then Suzy would emerge from a burning building, not a hair out of place and say, “You know it’s very easy to replace the plug on a toaster.” I would run and replace that plug and the world would cheer.

About that time, I realized I had missed the turn to go down my street, so I went around the block. The world would have to wait five extra minutes to be saved.

I went in the house and got right to work. The switch came out just like Suzy had said, but the wires were too short. When Suzy did it, the wires came out almost a foot from the wall. Mine were barely two inches long. Well, nobody ever said saving the world would be easy. I looked at the switch. There was supposed to be a silver-ish screw and a brass one. On mine it was all black. According to the video, the wires should come off with a turn of the screw. One did, but the other was welded to the body of the switch. Now what? I re-watched that video four times and Suzy never mentioned anything like it. This was far too early in our relationship for such a betrayal, and I would have told her off, if she had allowed comments.

It was time to improvise. So, I cut off the welded wire, and very carefully stripped of the insulation. As instructed, I made a little hook, and attached the two wires to the switch. I went down to the panel and flipped the breaker. No flash. So far so good. I went back upstairs taking a break to get some water and breathe. I have just got to start getting more exercise, all those stairs were murder.

Anyway, I flipped the switch and the lights came on. Success! Then I smelled smoke. The new switch was getting very hot. I flipped it off. Nothing happened except it continued to get hotter. It actually got a funky glow about it. I screamed, “What about this Suzy?” My wife was smart enough to turn the breaker off. Then she showed me an ad which was the same as I saw on the road. I insisted that given a little more time I could fix this. She insisted, she didn’t want the house burned down. As usual she won.

I reluctantly called Meghan and she said someone would be out by three o’clock. I thought great I had several hours for a second attempt. I ended up sitting in the living room on my hands, Because I wanted to, not because I was ordered to. So, get off my case.

Anyway, a guy came out, who looked nothing like Meghan, or Suzy for that matter. He changed the switch in about ten minutes and then came back to me and asked, “Sir, why would you put a five-amp switch in a twenty-amp circuit?” I Thought carefully then blamed my son.

Everything’s okay now, but I would like to ask you all something.

What the heck is an amp?   

 

Totally Unbiased Completely Objective Comparison Test

Over the years, I have done a considerable amount of research, and the results have been astounding. The greatest thing I have learned from researching is that I hate to do research, which makes this post a greater thrill for all of you.

You see, our lives are slowly being ruled by electronics. The Sci-Fi apocalypse is true. Instead of Skynet taking over, we just carry the robots in our pockets and call them by sweet but obscure feminine names. I would like to be the hero, like they have in the movies, but frankly I’m addicted to my cell phone as well as all you. I certainly don’t want to end up covered in sores, sweat, and crud as if I was in a Dwayne Johnson movie. That’s just not me. So, unless somebody else steps up, the devices are all here to stay.

The issue is; If we’re going to marry ourselves to small obscure electronic rectangles, we should at least know which is best. Or at least know which will be highest in fiber for when our 401k’s go bust, and we end up eating all our possessions. Well, once again, Mr. Ohh! is here to help. I have done an exhaustive study into the nutritional value of eating small tablet computers and found they’re actually poisonous, and the gravy is terrible. I realize I may have blown dinner for many of you out there, but try to smile and eat some more of the fuzzy mac-and-cheese you have, in the back of the fridge. That green mold is really very healthy and has antibiotic properties. It’s a win-win.

Now, to the question of which is best. There are four basic platforms; Siri by Apple, Alexa, by Amazon, Cortana by Microsoft, and Google by well uh… Google. If this were the only criteria the whole thing would be simple. Cortana is simply the best name. That’s a name I want to meet in a dimly lit restaurant and sip expensive cocktails with.  Consequently, Google loses. Who would want to date a woman named Google? I dated a woman named Raspberry once and even that was better than Google. Sure, if you talk to her, she’s got a nice voice, but she’s definitely blind date material.

“Hey Joe, I’m taking Alexa out tonight and I need you to take her friend out with us.”

“What’s she like Bill?”

“Well I talked to her and she’s got a great voice.”

“Okay, what’s her name?”

“Google!”

“Oh, Sorry I can’t. I promised I’d lick diseased petri dishes clean tonight.”

Siri isn’t much better. Although Siri has something going for her; Ten Billion Apple fanatics. Apple could release a green rock and sell a billion of them. Folks would ask, “What is it?” and the answer would always be, “I don’t know, but it’s made by Apple.” The loyalty for their stuff is incredible. They’re the only company I know that can sell an overpriced broken product, tell the world it doesn’t work, and still have folks lining up to get one. But does that mean Siri is the best? Well, let’s see.

There is a publication that rates everything you might buy from diapers to zebra patterned underwear. And while wearing zebra underwear might lead to the need for diapers, the magazine has never, to my knowledge, rated digital assistants. They rated the devices but not the assistants. To me that’s like giving a produce office an A+ rating without mentioning the assistant embezzled fifty million in artichokes. Sure no one would have bought those green messes in the first place, but it should be mentioned.

Anyway, on this date, I Mr. Ohh! will solve this oversite and rate digital assistants as to their merits and failures. It’s a big responsibility but with your faith and understanding I will make it through. Boy, that sounded impressive, almost as if it should have had a march played behind it.

Okay, to get started. We have already covered that two of the current four popular assistants have crappy names. Saying “Hey, Google,” sounds like your calling a dog and frankly Siri sounds more like an industrial byproduct than a woman. So, the first points go to Alexa and Cortana. Next, I want my assistant to be personable. Siri and Alexa are very business-like almost like my mom telling me something I should have known. I don’t want my mom as my assistant. Cortana and Google get the points for sounding the best.

Some of you might want know about appointments, reminders, directions and stuff like that. BORING! They all do that. They’re all connected to the same internet. They all spell the same. They all give the same weather and so on. Also, they all play music. They differ here because they pull from different sources. I’ll give the music edge to Alexa because I like Amazon’s playlists, but that’s just me.

Now on to the important stuff I asked all of them to tell me a joke;

Cortana: Don’t trust the atoms, they make up everything.

Alexa: What is a shark’s favorite sandwich? Peanut butter and jellyfish.

Google: Why did the scarecrow keep getting promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Siri: If someone could reverse the process of making wine, that would be grape

HMMMM. I asked for jokes and Alexa and Google gave me riddles. We must consider if that’s important. Next all but Cortana’s rely on a pun. Puns are good material but it’s making this more difficult. I asked again:

Cortana: What do you get when you cross a cat with an owl?  A Meowl!

That’s way bad, zero points for Cortana.

Alexa: What happened when the math teacher gave out extra homework. The Addition caused Division to Multiply.

I like that one. Two points for all the extra math references

Google: What happens when a frog’s car breaks? It gets Toad

Tough call. That one was so bad it’s good, one point. My son who is sitting nearby rolled his eyes and covered his face. That’s worth a second point.

Siri: Never tell a pun to a kleptomaniac. They always take things.  Literally!

This is good and I’m giving it a point, and a bonus for originality

So, the score is as follows:

Alexa 3

Google 3

Cortana 2

Siri 2

Ladies and gentleman we have a tie. The magazine I referred to earlier would stop now and just say, “This is our rating.” However, I want a clearer winner. So, we go to sudden death.

Alexa: What did one ham sing to the other in the oven? It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes

OWWW No points! Alexa left the door wide open; all Google needs is to score and they win. Folks you can cut the tension with a knife.

Google: What type of shoes do frogs wear? Open Toad.

Folks I can’t believe it. Google used the same pun twice and is disqualified. The crowd goes crazy. Security has to escort the judges out of the box, because of the angry mob.

As a final note I must say that no digital assistants were injured while writing this blog.